The following is written by kurot @ deviantart, and have been very inspiring to read. After reading this, I really appreciate what I have in life even more and it gives me motivation to try to do better. I hope perhaps, this journal written by kurot can also be inspiring to you as well.
A bit of a ramble from me to you
Journal Entry: Thu Feb 23, 2012, 2:10 AM
Hello everyone! Long time no see.
I’m going to take this time to reflect on some things.
I was talking to Moorina and she inspired me to write this in detail and share with you all ^^
I’ve been doing doujin work and publishing in Japan for 4 years now… looking back, there has been a ton of sacrifices and bad decisions to be made. My life in general was kinda weird.
This is quite personal, but I though I’d share my life/experience with you guys.
My family was never well off. A lot of our friends don’t know of our situation, of course. Our mother was gambling every single day and our father was never home. Mom would take all day looking around the house for hidden cash (stashed from my dad) while dad goes out to play pool with his friends. Our family borrows money from relatives and that’s how we get by. If you go back to my journal entries from 2004, those were the days where we had to go to the internet cafe just to use the net because we couldn’t afford to pay for anything per month. A little after when I asked about books to read in a journal entry was because we weren’t even living in a house at that time. We lived in a empty house (thanks to my dad’s friend who was cleaning it to sell it soon) with no electricity and hot water. We had nothing to do so we would walk to the library to borrow books and read until we had to use a candle. Honestly, it was fun. We had each other and that was enough. Although during the stay, my dad would try to lock my mom out and she would try to break into the house lmao. They would give us $20 to use weekly. It was not until years later that I found out my mom lied to a friend of mine to borrow and gamble $4000 - during the time from the $4000, she gave 3 kids $20 in total to spend on food in a week. How awful was that? We could only buy 1 rice combo and we split it (it was $6-7 for 1 combo for 3 kids, 1 meal a day). Besides the fact we were hungry, I remember when my bro was hanging out with a friend, I convinced my sis that we could go in a Japanese restaurant and order…a roll to share. It was expensive. It was $5. But it was so SO delicious. Most of the time we’ll just eat plain rice when we ran out of money, or nothing at all. My parents were all over the place so in my lifetime, I’ve been to 11 schools. I couldn’t even keep a friend even if I wanted to, I was jumping from province to province. It was either my mom owes money or my dad was cheating on her, we always had to run. Funny thing is, my mom loves to tell loan sharks where we live so when they do come to demand money, it was only the kids who were home. I can’t even get into the many (dangerous) situations where they barged into our house and we had to tell them to go. There are times when I got a waitressing job, they would come by and tell me to give them my paycheck or they will be in a lot of trouble. Even after that when bro and I started to work at McD’s, I gave my mom the rent money at our new place to give to the land lord… after 3 months of living there, the landlord came to our place and told us to get out the next morning. Why? Because the money never made it to him and they were being kind that we haven’t paid for 3 months. I had to plea to him that we’ll work extra hard and pay him back. Bro and I took extra shifts - dad didn’t do anything and mom was never home. All my mom ever did was steal our stuff and pawn it off, even her wedding ring. Or afterwards, steal from my bro’s bank account. This is just scraping the surface of other major problems in my life, but it’s a glance.
Drawing was so important to me. I’m so grateful for it. During all that chaos all I had to keep me sane was drawing. I never thought about improving, I never thought about anything, really. I just wanted to draw anything I wanted, creating stories and just daydream. In grade 5 was when it all started - a girl wearing a Sailormoon tshirt waltzed in front of me.. then the rest was history (like I’ve mentioned before). During that time, mom was at an all high gambling spree and my aunt even considered to fight for us in court. I met my best friend then, and I kept my life a secret. I told her how loving my parents where but usually I wouldn’t eat my lunch in front of her… she always had the best sandwiches packed full while I had 2 pieces of bread and a ham in between because I had to share with bro and sis and save the rest. Sometimes I didn’t even have food at all so my best friend would share with me. Drawing was so fun… I was making stories left and right with my friend… I was never depressed. I think drawing and making friends online really saved me. I think I speak for my sister too, she feels the same way.
I never thought what my mediocre art could do for me until a friend popped up a possibility about helping me publish my first doujinshi. Through the entire time until now, there were lots of ups and downs. My bro and sis really supported me on the way. Especially my brother… when I quit my day job to do this, he really helped us by working harder. I owe him a lot… without him, I wouldn’t have gotten any kind of start. I was being selfish on my part…. I didn’t make any money at all. What I tried to do was from some of the profits of doujin making, I would help us go to Japan for a family vacation (just me, bro and sis) for the first time ever! I worked on 3 commissions during that time to pay for hotel and food~ and we made it happen ^^. After that though, it was hard to make ends meet. Sis was still in school and bro was working so hard because he was determined to get promotion after promotion to help out. I was too chicken to open up commissions because I never thought people would want to pay for my stuff….. I wish I thought it through and got another day job. I was taking up work after work that I didn’t even get to think about that. Afterwards when sis could get a job, we were all working together to support each other. Now, we’re ok. The past is behind us and we’re just trying move forward.
In the recent years, my parents got sick… and now they are slowly changing for the better. I feel like it’s never too late to change, but without saving money, some of the medication they have to buy and not covered by the government is so expensive. Right now they are living with us and they don’t have to pay for the rent. It’s ok though… they tried to work and save some money last year… and actually bought a used car… I’m so proud of them! However last month, their car was stolen and they had to pay for damages the insurance wouldn’t cover.. and they are now back to square 1. I think my mom went gambling too but it’s not as severe as before but still……
Despite all that we love our parents dearly. I know they love us too. Mom just walked in here with pears, smaller pieces for sis because she can’t bite into bigger things and bigger pieces for me cuz I like it that way *w*. Mom will always be mom and dad will always be dad.
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Even though I’m working as a freelancer, it’s not healthy to stay indoors so much. I’ve sent resumes out last month but still didn’t get any reply… I want to get a part time job to shake things up.
My advice if you’re independent is: get a real job. The freelancing I do is not very steady at all. Sure, a lot of people want to do what I do but it’s not easy. You can’t bargain with Japanese companies.. they can give you an assignment of 3 full cgs for less than $100 in pay OR with my recent situation - 15 cgs for an android game and they ditched me. Signed contract and all. Sigh, whatever. The best thing you could do for yourself if to get a real job. Not only it’s good for you (exercise, socialize), it’s steady pay. The money you make from freelancing is just the cherry on top.
If you’re supported by your family: go for it! I wish my mom and dad supported us so we could go to university and stuff. Yes, we never went to university. Our situation wouldn’t allow it.. we moved from place to place too much. Later on I wish to go back to school. I wish I could freelance without trouble sobs hehe
Every one of you are capable to making your own dreams come true.
To be an animator, freelancer or whatever you have in your mind, just never give up and be determined!
Remember to be realistic too - no matter what money is very important. Don’t let others control your life and dreams because of it, grab life by your own hands and make it happen yourself!
I’m very happy I have the support I do.
I’ve very happy I could inspire some people!
I thankyou all from the bottom of my heart ><!!
Sorry this entry is all over the place TwT; I don’t consider the things that happened in the past as crap, I considered it a blessing… it only made me stronger *v*
